U.K. Study Reveals Link Between Twitter Use and Butt Size

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I’ve been a huge proponent of social media as a tool to build community, brand, showcase knowledge and even market your ideas and business.

But, a new study just completed by Professor Lipra Sloof at the London School of Economics revealed…

A horrifying connection between tweets/day and gluteal mass (aka, butt size).

And, that’s got me thinking seriously about pulling back from social media in a huge way.

According to Professor Sloof:

We’ve just completed the first-ever longitudinal study of 16,427 regular twitter users and the results took our entire team by surprise. We discovered a direct linear relationship between tweets/day and gluteal mass, the concern being that gluteal mass is leading indicator of obesity, heart disease, anxiety, insomnia and even @GuyKawasaki syndrome.

The data show the impact of “tweeting” to be so potentially harmful to the participants’ health profiles, as determined by relative-change in Gluteal Mass Index (GMI), that we terminated the study prematurely and strongly advised all participants to immediately terminate the use of twitter.

While details of the study were being prepared for publication, Sloof did agreed to release the following chart in an effort to get his message out to the masses, before it’s too late:

Tweets/Day      Increase in Gluteal Mass Over 16-wk Study Period

1-5                           Not statistically significant
6-10                         3.2% increase in gluteal mass
11-15                       12.6% increase in gluteal mass
16-20                       18.3% increase in gluteal mass
21-25                       22.8% increase in gluteal mass
26-30                       26.4% increase in gluteal mass
31+                          42.1% increase in gluteal mass

Immediate action is needed to stem the damage…

While the team conceded that the study is correlative and can not prove causation, because the results were so compelling, Sloof et al have requested an immediate hearing before Parliament with the intention of proposing an immediate, worldwide treaty-based moritorium on the use of twitter.

We, here at CareerRenegade.com, were able to track down 14 study participants who were willing to share their experiences, under the promise of anonymity. Sadly, 8 of the 14 could not make it into our London studios, due to an inability to extract their twitter-plumped globules from their desk chairs.

While all conceded a noted increase in gluteal mass, though, many also decried an inability to break the addiction cycle induced by the twitter demon.

One even compared the pull of the twitter screen to crack cocaine, sharing…

Honestly, I didn’t even get it in the beginning. People just sharing the studipest stuff. Then, it’s like ‘BAM,’ something clicks and you get sucked in. You start checking your damn timeline every 5 minutes, then comes the phone app and text-alerts. It’s like you blink and you’re hooked.

Honestly, I think I’d rather do dope than twitter. I want to stop, but I can’t. I actually heard Promises in L.A. has a new twitter addiction program and I’m whacking around the idea of jetting to L.A. to get this monster under control. Hell, I’d go tonight, but I’m waiting for Virgin to install wifi.”

So, where does this leave us?

Honestly, I don’t know what to say. As a strong proponent of social media and twitter, I feel somewhat responsible. But, I guess, really, the only advice I can offer at this point is…

Have a wonderful April 1st!

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5 responses

5 responses to “U.K. Study Reveals Link Between Twitter Use and Butt Size”

  1. Joe Jacobi says:

    I was wondering why the seat fit in my kayak was so tight. I’m glad you clarified. On the other hand, I am THRILLED that the Mets are widening the seats in the new stadium so that I can comfortably watch pitching sensation, Sid Finch.

  2. Jonathan Fields says:

    @ Joe – Yeah, that Sid throws bb’s!

  3. I don’t Tweet, but I suspect Prof. Sloof would find a corresponding significance in the number of FB friends vs. butt size. 🙂

    And a happy April 1st to you, as well. (and a thank you for the lunch hour giggle)

  4. What’s funny about Twitter is that they ask you “What are you doing”, but you have to actually stop doing it to tell them 🙂

  5. PhotoHand says:

    Happy April 1 to you too! 😉