And I hope somewhere along the line folks are catching the fact that Jonathan’s post is about helping us look forward, which, I guess, is also intrinsic to your comment, JC.

Thanks for challenging my statement.

No, it’s not ideal to function without praise or criticism. I use both frequently, and it would be hypocritical for me to make that claim.

The key words in my statement are “personality” and “requires.” The personality itself is of innate value, regardless of how others perceive it.

I, as a human being, have the same value whether I am adored or despised by any number of people.

Does that make sense?

When I say “I love you” to someone, to me, it communicates an internal, involuntary emotional reaction to the qualities that someone expresses through their actions.

At least, that’s where I’d like to be.

If a person can be considered honest, it should be because, they are much more likely to communicate using true statements than false.

John Gottman, in his research on marriage, discovered that couples that used negative character attribution statements were many times more likely to divorce than those that avoided using such statements. You might be familiar with his work from Gladwell’s “Blink.”

I have an adamant desire for qualified praise of my work, but I have learned to survive without it. Similarly, I have learned not to have a nervous breakdown (or react defensively) when my work receives criticism.

It’s challenging to separate the self from the work itself, particularly if you’ve been trained in an environment that never makes that distinction.

Am I making more sense now, Joel?

“The healthy personality requires no praise or criticism to maintain self-esteem.”

I disagree vehemently. I could accept the claim that the *perfect* personality requires no *criticism*, but to function without praise is inhuman; it eliminates the ability to say “I love you unconditionally” because love is praise of the highest caliber.

Sure, praise and criticise actions; I get that. But to aspire to functioning without either is to dream of being a machine, devoid of the human spark.

To clarify, if a child rides a bike well, praise the specific actions that led to that occasion. If, for example, the child becomes off-balance on the bike, criticize the action (leaning to one side) that caused that effect.

This is what makes for effective coaching. It’s impossible to achieve peak performance without maintaining a reality-based outlook that separates actions and achievements from the innate personality.

If you consider yourself “bad” if you make a mistake, you’ll end up the emotional equivalent of Lehman Brothers: over-leveraged and over-committed to avoiding mistakes.

The healthy personality requires no praise or criticism to maintain self-esteem.

I’m not there, and neither are most of us, though the principles underlying it are useful to know.

I should not think this much so close to bedtime.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face in marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

There will also always be people who will do everything in their power to tear you down and destroy you, if you let them. I do what I do anyway, and those that appreciate my efforts online or offline give praise and encouragement without ever asking for it. The naysayers are shrugged off, and I do what I do anyway.

I don’t have any problem being candid on my blogs, online in the blogosphere or in my personal life. I am who I am and I make no apologies for who I am or what I do. I am not a people pleaser to the point where fear of what others think of me holds me back from being me.