Comments on: Can One Word Get You Slapped Or Hugged?

By: Michael@ Awareness * Connection

Michael@ Awareness * Connection — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:03:52 +0000

I meant to include the question that came to mind for me that might jump out at some people, but can be easy to miss: Didn’t she just tell that kid that “He can’t behave himself”? Was that in either her or his interest. Probably not a huge deal in itself, but when we repeat things like that I think they take on a life of their own.

By: Michael@ Awareness * Connection

Michael@ Awareness * Connection — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 05:43:56 +0000

I began thinking about the power of language as it pertains to working with and raising kids around 15 years ago as a new teacher over hearing a teacher making the mistake of saying to a kid who was goofing around in line “Since you can’t behave yourself, you can go to the end of the line.”

I often describe to parents how most of the things we say to kids have an unstated message that says “You’re capable” or “You’re not capable”. Starting to sort what we’re saying into these two piles seems to help parents to start to get the gist of making catches, like your excellent example of “actually…”

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 23:01:06 +0000

I meant to check back sooner.

@Laurie – Thanks for the line!

@Michael Vanderdonk – I’ll have to check out some of Deborah Tannen’s books. Those lines make me giggle too.

Here’s another one: You’re smarter than I thought.

By: bucko

bucko — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 03:29:13 +0000

Just and Actually. I used to work in phone sales. When training people on the phone hearing them say
“I’m just calling” or “I’m actually calling” was like chalk running down a black board. One person would double up with “I’m actually just calling”. I would explain that in sales that one word is giving away any power and dignity you have. The word just is used as a way to justify why you are calling. Where instead the mindset should be that you are helping the customer by calling. Something like “I called because I noticed …”, works much better than “I just called because I noticed…” Its so subtle. But it definitely matters.

By: Robyn

Robyn — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 19:02:02 +0000

A number of comments seem to lean towards words such as “basically” and “actually” serving as a new version of “like.” I think most people who use them aren’t trying to make a backhanded compliment so much as they aren’t aware of how the insertion of the word changes the meaning of what they’ve said. In my experience, a lot of young girls use “actually” in place of “really”; a word that is nowadays less about facts and more about emphasis.

It could be that with the emphasis on sounding “cool” over the last few decades, a lot of word misuse and misunderstanding has occurred colloquially which hasn’t been addressed by English classes.

By: Justin

Justin — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 16:52:39 +0000

I really, really enjoyed reading that post. It’s so true; language is a powerful tool, and it has been used to change the world countless times. What words you choose to use and what order you put them in is critical.

By: Diane DiPiero

Diane DiPiero — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:08:15 +0000

The problem is that we’re no longer confident of our spoken words. The need to add a word that waters down a statement or makes it more middle-of-the-road is unfortunate. And now we’re passing it down to our children. Ugh!

By: Frisky Librarian

Frisky Librarian — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 03:20:50 +0000

Ah, “actually”. Yep, been on the receiving end of this one. At Christmas time I visisted my mother and I asked her opinion on my new, much shorter, hair style and was put out when she replied, “It looks quite nice actually”.

‘Just’ is another interesting one, as someone has mentioned already. I recently noticed that I use this in conversation when people learn I work for a law firm. “No, I’m just a secretary,” I say. Hmmm.

By: bejewell

bejewell — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 02:38:17 +0000

Every word DOES matter, especially in the nutty world of copywriting! And also if you’re a seven-year-old girl.

Hope you gave her a big hug after that.

By: Michael Vanderdonk

Michael Vanderdonk — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 01:09:58 +0000

Actually, there are many many more of these kinds of backhanded compliments… I always giggle when I hear them.

* You did a really great job _this_time_. (implying previous attempts were not)
* That shirt _makes_ you look good. (implying that you’re usually not looking good)
* That’s a good compliment _coming_from_you_. (implying their regular compliments are much like this one…. ;p)

The reason they make me giggle is, in my experience, the speaker doesn’t have the choice or awareness of what they are actually (;p) saying. They mean to give a good compliment, but need to keep their social status intact.

I could write thousands of words on this topic, but thankfully I don’t have to. Go find some of Deborah Tannen’s books. She covers this and many more interesting ways of verbal communication.

Enjoy,